I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
yeet
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I have many caverns
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.