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The absolute effort that went into this omg
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
When I laugh on my period
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu