Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Florida man
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
But that’s none of my business
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names