so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
You Might Also Like
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Tier 3 meme
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me: