My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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getting groceries
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My patience has stretch marks.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.