*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
You Might Also Like
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?