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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.