Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*