ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The internet is full of many things
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on