[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.