even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
rise and shine we got egg
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews