You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.