banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Double negatives are never not confusing.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Pass gas, not judgment.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?