I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Terribly Tuesday.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat