Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Y’all know who you are.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
lost dog
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man