The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
You Might Also Like
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Does it…does it take 3 days
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*launders Kohls cash*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.