I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*puts cutlery down*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo