My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
You Might Also Like
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Where’s my employee discount too?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Waiting for the Charmin
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession