I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
we’re dead?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*