There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
dutch so unserious
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason