When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You Might Also Like
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
How dramatic are you?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.