“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
#gardening
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.