[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it