It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes