Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”