I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
When can I start eating bats again.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline