I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Just a bush.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie