If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
who wants to go expliring
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.