Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Cool shirt 🙂
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Duck typos.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.