I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie