I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
They’re the worst 😩
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR