*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
reminder
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.