If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.