My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”