[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit