“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
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How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.