I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?