We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.