Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.