You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You Might Also Like
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Cause of death: Zumba
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
When you don’t understand how floors work
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think