my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.