Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Lmao
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*