‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.