I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.