Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha