Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
#dnd #ttrpg
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No