Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’m a bad influence on myself.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.