there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I think this should do it.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.