My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards