One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)